Week 6 - THE “SOON TO BE VS NEVER-TO-BE WED” BOWL
Well fellas Week 5 came and went by faster than a Georgia DB after a night at the bar. We now officially have a countdown for Pred’s ass tat due date, which if the clock hits zero; the undefeated team with a 93% chance to make the playoffs receives a ban from the playoffs. We also were blessed in week 5 with an extremely rare Pred message in the chat, reading “I am going to get the tat after my salmon fishing trip”. Is “Salmon fishing” code for taking Pred on a mountain trip and locking her kid in the closest with a weekend ration of chicken and rice? Or will Pred actually be fishing for Salmon? We can’t confirm for sure, but whichever option it is we know that both end with fish on his meat.
Lets look how Week 5 wrapped up :
Motorboat City vs The Cobwebs - Final- Motorboat City 94.32 vs 145.44 The Cobwebs
Similar to the LANK vs Winter Soldier Avengers matchup, this matchup was similar to when a bouncer addresses anyone in our group, it got out of hand quickly. OG Scatti of The Cobwebs has reached out for comment as well : “I would like the record to show in this weekly recap that this is the second time this season that I score the most points out of any team in the league. Thank you.” And while the media certainly appreciates content to make their life infinitely easier (START DOING SHIT LIKE THIS YOU FUCKS) , they also absolutely hate a “pick me” bitch. If you want blind recognition for doing what you are supposed to, go read Lizzo’s comments on Instagram since she started actually not being a fat fuck. All love tho thank you for the input that shit helps a ton <3
Beach Week vs Najee Germany - Final - Beach Week 82.04 vs 106.6 Najee Germany
Yeah Blue faced the good ol fashioned NC disappointment of trusting in a Panthers QB this week. With an abysmal 3.74 point performance out of the Red Rocket, he was doomed. Meanwhile the Najee Germany boys (the media is convinced that Razz runs the team and Clapback is the face of the organization) stacked another notch in the win column.
LANK vs Winter Soldier Avengers - Final - LANK 80.24 vs 134.58 Winter Soldier Avengers
Someone dress up the Tang Weasel as a skinny white woman with a heinous coke problem because Frozone fucked him this week. Someone fact check this, but a 54 point margin of victory may be the highest thus far in the season. Frozone continues to run hotter than Sydney Sweeneys new soap commercial in the past weeks and is looking to keep momentum.
Whiskey Business vs Beach’s School for the Autistic - Final - Whiskey Business 95.84 vs 114.78 BSFTA
With both teams getting absolutely zero help from their RB rooms, this came down to WRs/QBs. And boy oh boy between Burrow and Evans, Double Deuce never really had a chance. With a good portion of the roster being injured or overall fucking useless, the Whiskey Business squad better toughen the fuck up or get ready to miss the playoffs yet again.
Glass Cannon vs Sartorius - Final - Glass Cannon 105.86 vs 77.7 Sartorius
Now look man, I know PHD is a big wig fuckin doctor and all and wants to help people. But his boys followed suit and absolutely handed the Glass Cannon crippled ass squad a victory. What makes things worse is that the Glass Cannon Squad has a 47% injury designation status. Maybe PHD should just hang up the GM work and go work on his opponents team?
Weasel Wizards vs Hog Squad - Final - Weasel Wizards 142.04 vs 81.46 Hog Squad
Boy were the projections fucking wrong on this one… Pred’s team did what he will never do at a tattoo parlor, showed the fuck up. (No the tattoo jokes will not cease until punishment paid in full) Meanwhile the hogs were let down by Achane’s awful performances.
Now lets look at Week 6’s matchups :
Beach Week vs Weasel Wizards - Projection - Beach Week 102.9 - 91.5 Weasel Wizards
Well it seems the football gods have a sense of humor and have dished out an early punishment for the lack of an ass tat for Pred here, with Nico Collins being sent to the IR, the #2 WR in the league is now removed for 4 weeks minimum. Meanwhile Blue is looking to knock off the perfect record and get back in the win column. If Pred somehow pulls out another win this week, it will be because one of the girls he is seeing has sat on Derrick Henry and snapped his legs; because we all know Pred’s dating criteria : “If she ain’t 280 she ain’t a lady"
Motorboat City vs Sartorius - Projection - Motorboat City 93.4 - 104.2 Sartorius
These projections are a bit skewed, as EOD has yet to update the Motorboat City roster for Week 6 and is currently starting Steele who is on a bye this week. But it is apparent that he rarely checks his team, as he has yet to notice the changes mentioned at the bottom of last week’s recap (check his picture in the league). Meanwhile PHD is needing his team to turn it around as he is aiming to get to .500, which at this rate could be a contender to lead the sorry ass south division.
LANK vs Whiskey Business - Projection - LANK 93.6 - 108.5 Whiskey Business
Realistically given his roster and all biases aside, the Tang Weasel may be the first winless team in War Room history. After trading away his best WR thus far this season for a QB that is on a bye this week, it is appears that he is starting the rebuild in week 6 and working to build out his team to just not finish last. Because the media is honestly baffled and had to check it twice, but somehow the LANK squad only has a 3% chance of making the playoffs and it is only week 6. Meanwhile the Whiskey Business squad seems to be full of either cripples or players that are were so disappointing last week that their jersey numbers could’ve all been changed to 988.
B.S.F.T.A vs W.S.A. - Projection - B.S.F.T.A 100.9 - 116.1 W.S.A
First of all, you two fucks are getting abbreviated from here on out, because typing those long ass names on repeat has my forearms burning like Blue after a trip to Pure Gold. Second, this matchup should be the one to watch this week if all players stay healthy. The projections on this one may honestly be lowballing, as both teams have easily surpassed their projections and could easily do it again given the matchups for their key players.
Najee Germany vs Hog Squad - Projection Najee Germany 102.4 - 97.1 Hog Squad
This is a matchup that would’ve been fucking insanity week 1 without the injuries and bye weeks that have resulted in the current starting rosters. This matchup will without a doubt come down to WR performances, with both squads having stellar scoring potential at the position. Once the games start Sunday, the media wants to see some shit talking from this matchup especially because these fuckers can dish out some much needed heat to get the fire flowing.
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - THE “SOON TO BE VS NEVER-TO-BE WED” BOWL - The Cobwebs vs Glass Cannon
Frankly this is only the matchup of the week because the media finds the idea hilarious personally. This matchup is between someone who is engaged and soon to be married, and another who is currently at +1200 to get married at all despite having one of if not the longest relationships out of the group. It should actually be a decent fantasy matchup as well, but the Glass Cannon squad cannot seem to stay healthy at all; drastically hampering his chances. Meanwhile The Cobwebs have been running hot the past 2 weeks and looking to keep things going, with a lot of his key matchups having cakewalk opponents meaning very high ceilings. The only real question about this matchup is, what will happen first : Slim Reaper to get married or Pred to actually get the ass tat?
That’s a wrap for this week’s recap, hope you fucks enjoyed it and will start sending me content/content ideas individually because this shit is definitely fun but gets tough to crank out occasionally. Regardless remember the rules for the weekend : Do not add to the population, do not subtract from the population, and stay out of jail. If you end up in jail, establish dominance early.