WEEK 5 - What a disappointment

Well Well Well you chucklefucks we had some fun matchups in week 4, and some absolutely atrocious ones. Honestly the media would just like to apologize for the level of bullshit that last week’s “matchup of the week” brought us, we will do our best to not let that happen again; because that was like featuring WNBA preseason basketball without Caitlin Clark playing. Lets recap the week before getting into week 5.

• Hog Squad vs LANK - FINAL - Hog Squad 105.28 vs 85.8 LANK

  • Christ this one was ugly and honestly could’ve been 10 times uglier if Jonathan Taylor didn’t play so well for LANK that he blew out his already bad ankle. This brought the Hog Squad up to an even 2-2 and the LANK boys needing the acronym changed to “Lame Ass Naysayer Klan” because damn.

• BSFTA vs Beach Week - FINAL - BSFTA 103.18 vs 125.16 Beach Week

  • The media was right in their guess that Blue would keep the win streak alive, but this matchup turned into an absolute shootout. With Blue riding King Henry to another giant week of 34 points with the help of Younghoe Koo dropping a 20 bomb, Big Bod’s boys put up respectable numbers given the significant injuries but it was not enough to stay undefeated.

• Glass Cannon vs Motorboat City - FINAL - Glass Cannon 100.3 vs 84.24 Motorboat City

  • Alright at this point EOD may be running back the Punishment from 23’, because the production is just not there from his boys this season. The Glass Cannon squad put up a 100 point victory this week despite having 3 ACLs and 1.5 hands between them given their health. Somehow Slim Reaper improves to 2-2 and EOD drops to 1-3.

• Winter Soldier Avengers vs Weasel Wizards - FINAL - Winter Soldier Avengers 119.32 vs 132.8 Weasel Wizards

  • Boy was the prediction about high ceilings correct here. Had Frozone started Swift, this would’ve been a victory for him this week. But Pred’s deep research each week that takes so much time he cannot get his sentenced ass tattoo brings him to victory once again and keeps the streak alive.

• Najee Germany vs Whiskey Business - Projection - Najee Germany 103.1 vs 112.4 Whiskey Business

  • Double Deuce pulled out a win this week against the two headed snake of Najee Germany, with Najee Germany losing production from Tyreek with their next QB being pulled from a tailgate competition in the parking lot this sunday, they are hoping he can at least throw a spiral. Najee Germany drops to 2-2 and Whiskey business pulls back to 3-0

• MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - THE DRUNK AND DISORDERLY BOWL - SARTORIUS VS THE COBWEBS

  • Disappointment. Just disappointment. Just to put it into perspective, had BOTH of these teams combined their points this week and played Pred; they would have only won by 12. You fuckers ought to be ashamed of this performance.

Now to Week 5 in no particular order (no matchup of the week cause do fuckin better and they’ll come back)

• Motorboat City vs The Cobwebs - Projection - Motorboat City 106.1 vs 108.5 The Cobwebs

  • At this rate the fact that either of these teams are projected over 100 points is laughable. The media is convinced the same person who does the ESPN projections is the same voice in the back of the all the boys minds when hitting the bars that tells them this is the night they’ll finally bag that 10. Seek god or make some trades is the only advice the media can give to turn either of these teams around.

• Beach Week vs Najee Germany - Projection - Beach Week 98.5 vs 102.4 Najee Germany

  • This matchup is bound to be tighter than a Nun’s asshole on easter. Can Beach Week get another great week of production out of Henry? Or will there be a resurgence of Najee Germany’s offense if Tyreek can stay out of cuffs and get more than 3 receptions a game? Media thinks that Najee Germany will have a turnaround week and hold on for a W.

• LANK vs Winter Soldier Avengers - Projection - LANK 69.5 vs 83.4 Winter Soldier Avengers

  • Both of these pussy addicts need to focus on their lineups because how the fuck are you both projected under 85 points. Granted this is being written with roster moves needing to be made with starters but still holy fuck fellas, the only thing more disappointing than these projections is watching Slim Reaper take his girl to 6 weddings in a month and arguably being the most single one in here. (jokes)

• Whiskey Business vs Beach’s School for the Autistic - Projection - Whiskey Business 105.0 vs 93.4 BSFTA

  • Both of these teams are 3-1 but have been slaughtered by injuries to significant players. This matchup will frankly come down to WR presence from BSFTA, with Saquon being on an early bye week. A win here would be a great leg forward for Big Bod’s Squad. If both of these stay healthy, this is one of the the media’s projected championship matchups, but both of these teams staying healthy is like either of the coaches staying sober. Good fuckin luck.

• Glass Cannon vs Sartorius - Projection - Glass Cannon 95.2 vs 101.8 Sartorius

  • Boy oh Boy battle of the south. Side note, my statements about the South last week were wrong. They are not mid, they are by far the worse conference in the league this year if 2-2 gets you 1st in the division. Both of these teams lead the South and the victor will take the crown of the South for now. Which, really isn’t saying much. It’s kinda like taking a big girl home when you’re blackout at the bar; seems like a win in the moment but when your sober up and realize what’s happened you realize you have to turn your life around.

• Weasel Wizards vs Hog Squad - Projection - Weasel Wizards 89.5 vs 106.6 Hog Squad

  • Once Pred fixes his lineup, this matchup is definitely MUCH closer than current projections. With the Weasels still being undefeated, they are looking to keep the goose egg on the board this week. Meanwhile, the media would like to believe that the Hog Squad will bring the divine commish justice to the man dodging his punishment. The unofficial “ass tat bowl” if you will. The media is rooting for the Hogs.

Well it’s another short one but the media doesn’t have the will to live much less the brainpower to write much more at the moment and wanted to get this out before the TNF games this week and finally be on time. Also side fun note. Maybe check your profile pictures gentlemen. Thank you and stay rowdy.